Last night, on the last American Horror Story: Hotel of 2015: Liz is still emotionally downtrodden from Tristan’s death, and while she remains fierce and flaw-free in welcoming all the wildlings into the arms of the hotel, her heart's not the same. We’re treated to a nice voiceover in which she laments the loss of her love, and how great love is against a backdrop of two lifelong lovers completing their suicide pact. In a twisted way, it’s romantic to see the two elderly people shoot each other in the name of eternal love; it's kind of like taking the death at the end of The Notebook up 1000 volts.

Liz Taylor succumbs to sadness, saying she’ll never find love again and life is useless — so she decides that she wants to die again. But first she must tie up one loose end: her son. Not one to miss a suicide shindig, Iris decides to be the Bloody Bonnie to his Cyanide Clyde and kill herself too since her true love, her son Donovan, is a baby bitch. So they set off to complete their plans, and we’ve hit the opening credits.

Liz enlists Miss Evers to con his son into visiting the hotel all for some goddamn OxiClean, and I swear I could get that happy off of some soap. Her son shows up and they bond over some drinks. There's warmth between them, and it’s touching to finally see Liz Taylor be happy for longer than 17 seconds. I mean, I guess it’s as warm as it can be between a middle-aged son meeting the father who abandoned him, except that his father is now a woman.

John Lowe has committed his Ninth Commandment murder, and has taken the victim's ears for his symbolic trophy room. He meets with Mr. March, who's in the middle of lighting someone on fire for funsies, who says John must take their mission into the outside world (since John's the one with a corporeal form). Mr. March is basically Casper with murderous tendencies.

Then John meets with Alex because she’s needy as hell, and also made a boo-boo by turning all those kids into the schoolyard gang from hell. The Countess has found out and is making Alex clean up the mess, or else she’ll kill her and Holden both. They find the kids, who of course attack Alex and John, but this is all overshadowed by the fact that little Suzie from down the block is dying even though she has the blood virus. It’s become clear that these kids can’t live in these streets, and they reluctantly follow Alex and John back to the Hotel like they're Peter Pan and the children are their Lost Boys. Once at the hotel, the kids are immediately thrown into the vault with none other than the baddest bitch on this show: Ramona Royale.

Donovan, fresh from finding out The Countess is back to boning Valentino, breaks into his hotel to settle the score. This is set in tandem to The Countess facing off with Natacha, her former half girlfriend. Set to a nice soft rock song, it’s like both pairings are circling the ring waiting for one to pounce first. The girls have some nice-if-gratuitous softcore lesbian moments while the boys have a pissing contest. It’s basically a giant screaming match of who loves who more, with Donovan yelling at Valentino (who threatens to kill him with a sword) and Natacha yelling at The Countess with a switch blade ready to shiv a bitch. Donovan and The Countess have the final laugh as they bust caps in ye olde Italian lovers, so these poor souls who just emerged from the depths of a century old tomb now have holes in their heads.

The Countess has moved forward with plans to inherit her dead gay husband’s fortune by reporting him missing to the police. She’s dressed like a receptionist out of Mad Men, but she's smoking that cigarette like she's a cast member of the Sopranos because bitch has got a mean swagger. Of course, since Will was killed on the premises, his ghost comes just in the nick of time to convince the cops to leave. The Countess is basically like I have all your money and I have your son, you’re a ghost f---k boy, stop trying to act brand new. This is a wonderful scene to watch Gaga act out.


Half-dead Mary Poppins Alex and Serial Johnny decide to cap off their today with a trip on down to Mattressville, only to have Sally and her always-active tear ducts ruin the party by being the angry mistress. There’s screaming and threats/promises of murder, but really Sally and the teardrops on her guitar are just mad that their toxic love is no longer. John's finally reunited with Holden (it only took 10 episodes), and they leave together while Sally screams more cries of revenge, and I'm glad they're finally going to get back to their daughter, aka the only sane one in this Addams Family horror show.

Liz Taylor’s emotionally-damaged son returns to the bar to reconcile things with his estranged trans-parent. And while I wholly expected him to pull some heteronormative nonsense, he’s actually sweet. Liz has something to live for again and I’m not crying, YOU'RE crying! He of course backs out of his deadly pact with Iris, who's so committed she has created her own suicide video complete with cat pictures and “I Hope You Dance” playing. A reinvigorated Liz picks Iris up by the bootstraps and they decide they’re gonna take over the hotel, because nobody can keep good women down.

The Countess and Donovan sit down for a nice dinner, which is just a screw-you dinner with wine on the side, as Donovan is like, "haha I just killed your boyfriend." The Countess goes to the hotel just to verify that Valentino is indeed deader than last winter’s fashion collection.


She returns to the hotel to find Donovan bopping and giving his victory dance to “Hotline Bling” and yes, hearing a Drake song in this context is as bizarre as you think. I’m happy Donovan finally got some balls by killing Valentino — but I spoke to soon. Suddenly he's begging for The Countess to kill him because that’s the only way she’ll love him...what kind of backward nonsense? There’s some crying, and of course some realizations that they both care about each other.



As “Hotline Bling” plays, Iris and Liz kick down the door. They're strapped with two guns a piece, and I swear to Santa Clause I've never quite gotten my life from a TV scene quite like this.


Yes, while Drake is lamenting about some girl who started going out more and wearing less, Iris and Liz come in like near-suicidal wrecking balls, going “bang bang, my baby shot me down” like it’s Kill Bill 3. And there's your cliffhanger: Two bad bitches popping off rounds straight at The Countess and Donovan, leaving the audience to wonder if they survive.