The Year: 1926. The place: Los Angeles. The House: MURDER HOUSE! Yes, that’s right the famous location of Season 1 has come back to tie into Season 5 of American Horror Story, just like Ryan Murphy promised.


This week’s episode opens with The Countess waltzing into the house for a consultation with the current resident of murder house, a Mr. Charles Montgomery. Now for those of you paying attention at home, he is indeed the demon doctor who specialized in helping pregnant ladies with their … bumpy situations. Being able to say this next sentence without a hint of irony is truly a high point in my life, because now we come to learn that Mother Monster is indeed a mother to a little monster, as the creature she pops out like the Koonz ball on the cover of ARTPOP is a bustling bundle by the name Bartholomew. This is not a happy baby though, because we know that at this point in time The Countess is already a vampire. So she gives birth to a demon creature of sorts, who busts onto the scene and murders the nurse — but it’s a baby, so its cute!

We come back to current time where, unfortunately, John Lowe is still as entertaining as a stick of butter. He is still inching his way to Crazytown and wakes to see Holden and his dirty mop of hair in his bed. Like any devoted daddy he runs after him, which leads him to the drained pool full of kids in coffins, but more importantly he sees his wife is there too! Dun dun dun (still unaccounted for is Scarlett, poor thing). Alex enlists Liz Taylor to help destroy the coffins, so John Lowe just thinks he’s becoming more manic and not actually unraveling secrets in the hotel.

This episode should really have been called American Horror Story: Blood and Man Butt, which is also coincidentally a hypothetical show I would watch weekly, but I digress. Seriously, there's more sex and blood in this episode than there's been so far. We come to learn that the faboosh Liz Taylor has finally found love in Tristan (yes, the very same model The Countess is taking to Pound Town). Possibly, the oddest pairing in AHS history, but I ship them because I’m a sucker for a tragic love story and we all know this is going to end horribly. The Countess has no idea that they’ve been rendezvousing in private, but these late night man-butt sessions have led them to fall in love with each other, so they now must face the inevitability of telling her.


Not to be outdone, The Countess is currently seducing Will Drake — who, you'll remember, is gayer than a drag queen at Pride — all in the hopes of winning his money. In real life wouldn’t work, but in the Hotel Cortez? Sexual identity be damned. Will Drake is obviously having a hard time staying in the zone with someone with boobs, so The Countess essentially Hotline Bling’s Tristan to be the fluffer. Tristan detests her for it, but begrudgingly obeys because he’s in no position to refuse.


This episode could also be called "Everybody Hates The Countess," because Ramona and Donovan, the leaders of the broken hearts brigade, have come back to exact their revenge. Hell hath no fury like a B-list movie star and former junkie scorned! Their plan is to destroy the children from which The Countess feeds, which should be unsettling, but if it means I get an episode where Holden no longer stares straight into my soul with his empty Willy Wonka eyes, than I'm here for it. They can’t find the kids because Liz and Alex just moved them from the abandoned swimming pool, but there's a bigger fish to fry: the occupant of Room 33. Room 33 has been something of an ominous presence since the pilot, as it’s the one room one you cannot enter, but Ryan Murphy decides it’s time to fill us in. Ramona goes straight for Room 33, and who is inside? Bartholomew. That’s right, the secret occupant of room 33 is no other than The Countess’ son, who since being born from a vampiric womb, seems to have been born with the blood virus and is perpetually stuck in baby mode. Bartholomew attacks Ramona and escapes.

Though he’s basically a second away from turning into Girl, Interrupted, John Lowe goes to the next Ten Commandments murder scene, because he keeps a police scanner in his room because he can’t accept the fact he was fired. It’s becoming painfully apparent that John Lowe is the front runner to being the Ten Commandments Killer, but we won’t talk about that yet. He goes back to the hotel after trying to bum rush the police scene, where he’s met by those two Swedish bitches from the pilot. When you die in the hotel, you're permanently punished to remain there, like Hotel California or purgatory, so these two airheads have been trying to find an exit.

In order to break John Lowe even more, Alex (who is still his wife, mind you), sends the Swedes to seduce him in a blood soaked ménage a trois so that this poor stick of butter can lose his mind even more. He’s drunk, so of course he doesn’t question why two random blondes come out of nowhere; he just follows his dick into a threesome that includes man-butt and blood. He comes to, realizes he has completely lost his sh---t (which includes running blood soaked and naked into the lobby, MORE MAN-BUTT). It finally clicks he should probably get out of the hotel, so he does. He picks up Scarlett from whatever weird cousin she was staying with and they return home, but with an extra guest in tow because Bartholomew has decided to stowaway in John’s luggage and is now in the house with them.

John, either sensing something is wrong or truly on the precipice of going full Looney Tunes, cocks his gun and stalks around the house while Scarlett watches TV. John finds Bartholomew in the kitchen and shoots the thing with absolutely no warning at all, scaring the living shit out of his daughter in the process, and so his breakdown is essentially complete. Alex is notified and tells John to go to bed — but her greater purpose here, is that she finds Bartholomew hiding in the bushes and brings him back to Mother Monster.

The Countess returns from Paris with Will Drake, clad in a divine green turban number, only to notice that Liz has something on her mind, so Liz spills the tea and informs The Countess that she and Tristan have been doing the horizontal mambo behind her back. You see the hurt and surprise in The Countess’ eyes, and arranges for the three to have a sit down. Gaga does her best acting during this scene, and I finally see her assimilating into her actor role as opposed to being a stunt cast. Tristan ultimately chooses Liz over The Countess and since we all know The Countess doesn’t share, this is going to go sideways in four seconds. Tristan cries about not being loved and how heartbreak is the Countess’ orgasm, Liz pleads to have her shot at life, and The Countess gives in because she’s a kind soul. Just kidding, she gives them a glimmer of hope, only to slash Tristan’s throat and kill him right in front of Liz because mama does not play.


We never get to actually see Bartholomew, only adding to the mystery,until the night’s final scene. The Countess, fresh from killing her former tryst, goes to check on her baby. While it’s nice to see The Countess display some form of genuine emotion, this baby is not cute. It looks like an unborn monster version of the Snapchat ghost. And with this face burning its image into our minds, the episode ends, and we must wait another week to check in once again.

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