We open this week of American Horror Story: Hotel with a two very important things: One being a monologue by Lady Gaga, and the other being Lady Gaga’s crying face. (Obviously the reasons why she was nominated for a Golden Globe this morning!)

She spins a tale of how hurt she is that Mr. March locked away her old, dead Italian lover inside the hotel for over 100 years, all while getting ready to plan her wedding to Will Drake, who is still very much gay.

Turns out The Countess is a fool for love and has hired a sleuth-y little detective to track down Valentino now that he’s escaped from that hole in the wall. Yay! The Countess has found her one true love! And yet, in the next scene, she is getting railed by Donovan (yeah, I forgot he was still licking his wounds too) while wearing sensible heels and black star pasties on her Golden Globe-nominated nipples.

Donovan is back as the lovesick little puppy he has been all season long and buys into her lies of monogamy and love, all while her heart is with Valentino. Not only does Donovan not know about Valentino, but The Countess decides to drop the bomb that she’s getting married to Will Drake — but we let that one slide because it’s all in the name of gold-digging.

Kathy Bates having a monologue entirely dedicated to the degradation of the porn industry? AHS has blessed me with this gift. Some shady porn director and his two heterosexual stars check into the Hotel to shoot some sick doggy style smut for the Internet generation, only for the director and the female porn star to get killed in cold blood by Iris.

Donovan comes back, and just like everyone else, Iris is surprised when he tells her that he has developed his Plan B, which centers around the fact that The Countess has taken him back.

Remember a couple episodes ago when The Countess’ little demon rat baby escaped? Turns out, she is still very pissed, backing Iris into a corner in order to get her to admit that the fabulous Ramona Royale is the one who let him escape in the first place. So now Iris is worried that The Countess will piece together that Ramona, Donovan and herself are all conspiring to kill her.

All I know is that twenty minutes into the episode, and so far I have, like, a love octagon to try and rationalize in my mind and a revenge plot that has more twists and turns than a cat’s cradle, but you know what? I love it. Why? Because it all centers on Lady Gaga.

Miss Evers is still bumming around this hotel, cleaning blood as her turn-on, and interrupts Will Drake’s anecdote to his son about bisexuality and finding the one to warn the father and son that they both will die at The Countess’ hand. Turns out she too was wronged by The Countess inadvertently. The help, of course, fell in love with the master, and Miss Evers still carries a burning torch for Mr. March, and remains bitter that he chose The Countess as opposed to her. She is still real pressed because her eyes ignite with glee at the thought of cleaning the sheets of Will Drake’s blood, and this is honestly the first time I have liked her, because she is being a cut-throat bitch. This episode just keeps giving me Christmas gifts I didn’t know I needed!

Lady Gaga smacks Mr. March and yells like she is on stage at MSG and I have not quite gotten my life like this in sometime. She’s (respectfully) quite pissed that he locked her lovers away in an impenetrable hell hole for 100 years, but she is now using said hell hole for her own devices, hiding it behind the guise of a wedding present for Will.

Donovan brings the male porn star to Ramona Royale as some form of weird human white flag, I guess, in order to fill her in on the fact he is back in The Countess’ good graces. They both have nice little speeches about addiction, love and how The Countess ruined their lives, but the writing is already on the wall that Donovan is going to backstab Ramona because all he is a lovesick little puppy.

There is also a VERY lengthy flashback to 1992 where we see Ramona return to her family home after being completely broken by The Countess. Nothing is really of note, except for the fact that her father had Alzheimer’s, and in an effort to cure it, she used the blood virus — and while it fixed his body, the cure did not fix his mind, so she ends up drowning him in a bath tub, just like in AHS: Coven when Nan fell in the tub and “drowned”. Amen.

Apparently this is the week to just have about seven different subplots, because on top of a wedding, a revenge plan and everything else, Alex has a little side quest of her own. See, now when she accidentally turned that whole school of children into monsters, she probably didn’t think that they would go around killing hobos and pizza delivery guys, but here we are. These kids are some weird modern day version of the Children of the Corn crossed with a Lord of the Flies mentality, with some buying into their new lives as blood sucking murderers and others still trying to maintain their humanity.

Alex makes a plea to have them all come to the Hotel Cortez but it doesn’t work, and that’s that on this front.

Ramona and Donovan return to the hotel in hopes of Ramona killing The Countess, but of course, it is all a ploy and...ding dong the witch ain't dead. Ramona is instead captured by Donovan and The Countess as they try to “clean house” of all their enemies. They put my dear Ramona in one those weird standing cages from the pilot where they chained the Swedish girls, and every time I see them lined with the pink and blue fluorescent lights it reminds me of the “Work Bitch” video.

Yet again, Donovan is duped into thinking The Countess loves him, but he catches her leaving Valentino’s hotel room, and now he’s back to being the stupid kid in the room, because The Countess’ promises of love and monogamy were all just a lie.

In the most boring wedding I have ever seen, Will Drake and The Countess tie the knot with only a justice of the peace, his son and Liz Taylor as witnesses. No paparazzi and no wedding guests? This breaks my heart because Ryan Murphy really had the chance to gay this whole thing up, but decided not to. Like, Lady Gaga marrying a gay man with Liz Taylor as a witness? It’s gayer than the gay wedding from the opening scene in Sex and the City 2.

Mr. March has one more trick up his sleeve and takes Will to Bartholomew’s room where Will audibly voices his disgust for the child just loud enough for The Countess to hear as she walks in the room. Instead of killing him on the honeymoon, she decides to club him in the head.

He wakes up in front of Ramona still in the "Work Bitch" cage. He helps her escape and while he runs around trying to find an escape, it becomes clear that Ramona and Will are now entombed in the very same hell hole that The Countess was standing in front of when the episode started.

Will is just a raving lunatic now, realizing how dire the situation is, and yet Ramona is cool as a cucumber because she knows she won’t starve to death and slices Will’s neck — and there’s dinner.

Miss Evers pops in a for a final "I told you so," all while The Countess sits in bed and watches as her new husband is fed on by her former lesbian lover and she herself, feeds on wine and popcorn like the true murder queen she is. Until next week, folks!

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