Every year, American Horror Story does a Halloween episode. This year is no different, seeing as how tonight’s episode is dubbed “Devil’s Night”...because of course.

We open with Richard Ramirez (some Jo Calderone looking dude) all clad in black and leather, checking into the hotel. Not even five seconds later, we learn that he’s been dead for two years, so now we know something odd is going to go down.

Liz Taylor goes to give him a key, but he's too cool for school and decides he’ll just enter his room through the window, which is odd, until you realize his room is already occupied by a husband and wife who you know will be dead before the opening credits.

He beats the husband with the bedside lamp and, just for some added theatricality, lets the wife “escape,” but the poor girl runs right into psychotic Walt Disney, Mr. March...so she's dead either way. And so, Ryan Murphy essentially paints us the picture of what Devil’s Night is: a night where all the demons and ghosts give into their murderous temptations as a means of celebration. (Doesn’t seem different from any other night, but I digress.)

John Lowe and the OCD sheet cleaning maid, Miss Evers, bond over the fact they both lost their sons. Years ago on Halloween, Miss Evers dressed her son in just a sheet with two eyeholes and tried to pass him off as a ghost. While little Evers was the world’s worst looking Casper, he was abducted by a deranged man who absconded with him to a farm where, we find out later, the boy was killed. (But honestly, he totally ran away because he was pissed at his mom for draping his ass in a sheet and calling it a costume.)

Speaking of sheets, when the police found the murder farm, all that was left was a sheet with his blood on it, and that is the explanation of why, in the current day, Miss Evers compulsively cleans the sheets.

Speaking of abducted sons, Alex just walked out of the Hotel Cortez with Holden at the end of last week’s episode and decided to take him back home. Since we all know she is a doctor, she takes Holden’s temperature and sees it to only be 75 degrees, but instead of reacting to the fact he’s as cold as a corpse, she just gets him some freshly squeezed OJ because he’s thirsty.

Of course, Mama doesn’t know that when creepy vampire Holden says he’s thirsty, it means for blood, so she is shocked to see Holden going nom-nom on the family dog.

Alex brings him back to the Cortez, where The Countess appears out of thin air to give her the answer as to why Holden now has a hankering for puppy blood. The Countess essentially is the Pied Piper of American Horror Story and claims to have saved all her children (lets call them her Little Monsters) from an unfulfilled life full of sadness and neglect. So, in true Mother Monster fashion, The Countess stole Holden from that rinky-dink merry-go-round with the promise of a better life (and a fabulous parasol).

The Countess informs Alex that creepy baby Holden is now filled with the pseudo-vampire virus, and that there is no cure and offers to give her eternal life so that she may spend it with Holden. Alex whips out a gun (while sporting a horrific, mustard colored beret) and threatens to go to the cops because The Countess is out of her bird, only to get clocked in the face by Tristan. She runs away, and that is that.

We come to the crux of the episode, where — just as I predicted by the term "Devil’s Night" — is basically a serial killer’s dinner party hosted by Mr. March. This year, John Lowe is invited (I guess ghosts think it’s a great idea to invite a cop to this kind of thing) and is placed at table amongst American’s most notable serial killers.


The guest list includes: Aileen Wuornos (played by AHS veteran Lily Rabe), a man-hating, foul mouthed serial killer who died in 2002, Jeffrey Dahmer (Seth Gabel) who killed and dismembered seventeen different men before dying in 1994, John Wayne Gacy (John Carroll Lynch) who strangled and killed 33 men, burying them in the crawl space of his home before dying in 1994, The Zodiac Killer, who looks like a giant black Gumby, is presumed dead and has no concrete identity, Richard Ramirez (also known as the Night Stalker, who burgled and killed until his death in 2013), Mr. March and John Lowe.

Detective John Lowe is getting his grub on with a bunch of ghosts, and we all know it but him. Don’t you just love situational irony? It’s a grand old macabre time where we learn that all these angelic human beings sought safe haven at one time or another in the walls of the Hotel Cortez with Mr. March as their so called “Master."

John Lowe is handcuffed to his chair and is made to sit in horror as he watches all these serial killers rejoice and reminiscence upon their murderous heydays before it culminates in an after dinner entertainment of murder. Think swinging a bat at a piñata, except instead of a bat, it's various knives. And instead of a piñata, its some poor schmuck Sally drugged up to die.

John Lowe is tripping balls this whole time off of absinthe — or so we are lead to believe — when he wakes up alone in the arms of Sally, who, for the first time...is not crying!

And just when you think the episode is over, we get one final scene with The Countess. Alex comes back (because of course she didn’t go to the cops!) and decides to take The Countess up on her offer of turning her into an immortal being so that she may spend the rest of her days with her creepy baby who just ate her dog. After feeding from The Countess’ chest and a nice lesbian kiss, Alex joins Gaga’s army of the immortal undead, and so we end the first part of this year’s Halloween episode.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

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