‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Episode 5 Recap: ‘Room Service’

And we're back with another installment of American Horror Story: Hotel.

Alex, fresh off of sucking blood out of The Countess’ chest decides to return to work, but really should have stayed home because homegirl looks rough.

You know those mornings when you got too drunk and wake up feeling like you got ran over by an 18-wheeler with a sweaty forehead, baggy eyes and pale skin? That’s Alex, except instead of waking up in a random place or trying to find her pants, she’s wearing scrubs and taking care of patients.

The same mother and son (his name is Max) pairing that she has been seeing the past couple episodes has found their way into the hospital because the kid is knocking on heaven’s door. Alex can barely see or stand straight (been there, girl), but promises to do everything in her power to help the dying boy. What exactly is this “everything,” you ask? Well, Alex decides it’s a great idea to start using her new super vampire blood to heal the sick, and while initially it seems to have caused a deathly seizure, we come to learn that Alex’s blood heals the kid. And so, with a pat on the shoulder and a lollipop, the kid is released from the hospital.

Sexy brat numero uno, Donovan, comes knocking on Ramona Royale’s door with a feeble looking Iris and a plan to heal his broken heart — and plot his revenge on The Countess. Ramona Royale, clad in a sexy red lingerie number that would make Agent Provocateur proud, has no time for his white nonsense until realizing that Iris might just be the answer to her prayers.

Since Donovan, the ex boyfriend, can no longer be the inside man Ramona requires, why not use the lady who runs the hotel instead to make The Countess suffer? Iris looks like one of the Monstars from Space Jam when they deflate back to little munchkins, all gross and small, and this fact is not lost on Ramona, who realizes that Iris has been turnt into an immortal being and that she may be helpful after all. And so they form a little band of revenge-driven three musketeers.

Max, Alex’s patient from the hospital, was cured, but of course now craves blood and has turned into quite the mild-mannered murderer since he received a clean bill of health. At his school’s Halloween party, he sneaks off with his little girlfriend into a backroom and they kiss, but he bites her and so, you guessed it, she now receives the super special immortality blood.

But, there’s a catch! Since Max was sick, his sickness also spread to poor little witch bitch Molly and she can’t be cured until she feeds, so Max slits open his teacher's throat and...whoop, there it is. Max also decides to make this a classroom party and infects everyone, so all these little children are suffering from his smallpox — that is, until another teacher stumbles into the room and is stabbed and attacked by all the new hungry children of the corn.

He (luckily?) escapes to the school nurses, who realize that homeboy is jacked and covered in blood, so they throw the school into lockdown fearing they are under attack. The SWAT team is called in like this school is Zero Dark Thirty, but all these demonic Omen children are fine and blame the attacks on some mysterious masked man, letting Max maintain his position as possessed Peter Pan to these blood hungry lost boys (and girls).

Iris has found her way back to the hotel and, after sharing a bloodtini with Liz Taylor, returns to her mundane life of checking in guests at the Hotel Cortez, still looking worse for wear. Two uber-annoying and trendy millennials come strolling into the hotel, complete with oversized hats and flowy garments, seeking to abscond from the blasé existence that is Halloween. They are literally the worst version of Brooklyn hipsters you can imagine, requesting things like paté and roasted kale from room service.

Iris is really struggling today because as she deals with the hipster douches, The Countess and Tristan come into the lobby, dressed like Marie Antoinette and steampunk Bono respectively, and almost sniff out the fact that she is now just like them — but alas, they do not. It seems as if Iris and Liz Taylor are the dynamic duo of the episode, because Liz Taylor swoops her bedazzled head wrap in to help make sure Iris doesn't breakdown (yet).

It’s through their interaction that we learn of Liz Taylor’s backstory: He originally was an unhappily married pharmaceutical rep from Topeka with wisps of hair atop his head and a burning desire to wear women’s clothing. His only solace was during business trips when he could dress up and regal in his true identity, safe from other eyes. Of course deep down inside he was sad, and just like when any drag queen is feeling down, Lady Gaga pops out of thin air as the drag godmother. Being the true LGBT warrior that she is, Mother Monster helps Liz Taylor actualize her beauty and helps the little hunty in training feel brave and beautiful like a covergirl. So for the first time, Liz Taylor is transformed into a beautiful woman with a nude slip and grandiose fur and takes her sexy little self down to get some (baby steps!).

Unfortunately, on the way back she runs into some coworkers who hurl gay slurs as her, but of course Gaga comes charging into battle to fight against homo/transphobia and, with the flick of the wrist, slits their necks like a glamorous Zorro — and that is how Liz Taylor came to the Hotel Cortez.

This story resonates with Iris, who still looks like a bullfrog sweating on the hottest day in a Louisiana bayou, and it lights a fire under her ass. When she brings the hipsters their paté (which is just a nice can of Fancy Feast) she finally cracks, because Iris is reborn and will no longer be anyone’s doormat. She stabs the girl in the head with a corkscrew and stabs the boy with a knife, and with that, Iris is a murderer...but we like it because finally there is life back in her eyes.

Liz helps Iris dispose of the bodies down the laundry shoot, and now two more bodies never to be found. But more importantly, Liz and Iris are now friends bonded through transformation and macabre.

There are so many characters and plot lines on AHS: Hotel that I wouldn’t be surprised if you, like I, forgot about John Lowe, and the fact he is investigating a real life murder case outside the walls of the Hotel Cortez. Or, at least, he was: Poor John Lowe is fired because he thought it would be a great idea to tell his superiors he had dinner with famous serial killers that have all died as a means of, I guess, proving his sanity? Well, it backfires. We learn that he had a nervous break several years prior after the abduction of Holden. So kidless, wifeless, and jobless, he returns to the hotel, gets trashed and has rabid remorse sex with who else but tearstained Sally.

He remembers nothing but the scratches on his body. She remembers it all, and so we see John Lowe’s next nervous breakdown slowly happening before our eyes. (The promo suggests he finally loses his shit next week!)

And before tonight is done, we get one last scene with Alex, bringing the whole episode full circle. Now feeling much better since her transformation, she has returned to the hotel in order to become the new Governess of the children, like this is some casual arrangement like in the Sound of Music.

For anyone keeping count at home, that’s three members of the Lowe family now trapped in the hotel, so poor little Scarlett is probably still waiting to get picked up from school or is already in child protective services. The Countess assures Alex that now her and Holden have the rest of eternity to spend together and so they walk, hand in hand, down to the abandoned pool where their coffin beds await and go to sleep together for the first time since his abduction.

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