We can't…

…stop laughing at the absurdity that follows Justin Bieber. The Biebs is being sued for allegedly purchasing penis enlargement (!!!) equipment with a stolen American Express credit card. He is also accused of cheating on Selena Gomez with not only actress Penelope Cruz, but fellow pop divas Kesha and Rihanna.

But wait. It gets better… or worse, if you're the 'As Long as You Love Me' singer.

The Biebs is being sued in the state of Michigan by a man who claims he is Gomez's father. The lawsuit makes some of the most ridiculous claims, to quote Taylor Swift, like ever. It's clearly a lark or some yahoo trying to get a laugh via the legal system.

The person suing Bieber is steaming mad over the fact that "Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my Canadian bear rug."

Impregnated on a Canadian bearskin rug? OHHHH-KAYYYY.

The suit is also taking aim at Biebs' mentor Usher, whom the plaintiff claims came to his house on July 4 of this year and put a firework where the sun doesn't shine, all the while blasting the Katy Perry song of the same name! Quite the visual, huh?

The Biebs is also accused of stealing his credit card and buying cocaine to distribute in drug-free school zones, with Diddy as his drug lieutenant.

The suit does make one claim that seems real. The plaintiff says, "I am an emotional mess." Well, that's evident. He also asks "America to boycott Bieber's music," which the haters may salute him for.
Oh Biebs, the price of fame. Hopefully you got a laugh out of this. Penis enlargement? Canadian bear rugs?

We can't even believe that someone other than a huckster launched this suit. What a waste of a civil servant's time to have to process this.

Watch the Justin Bieber 'Boyfriend' Video