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‘Nashville’ Recap: ‘Hanky Panky Woman’

Nashville Hanky Panky Woman
ABC

Oh, ‘Nashville.’ You never fail to bring the drama. This week, we’ve got fake blood in a margarine container, a suggested threesome, an unsolicited love confession and of course, a bunch of bootkickin’ country songs.

Remember last week when rich dude Charlie’s nasty wife Olivia put the surprisingly Sapphic moves on Juliette? Well, she suggests that she and Juliette have a threesome… with her husband. Juliette is decidedly not into it, and that’s basically the most interesting thing that happens to her this week, even though it technically happened last week.

Gunnar’s on the Luke Wheeler tour bus with Scarlett and she looks THRILLED to have her ex boyfriend/almost fiancee tag along as Luke’s protege for a few weeks. You can tell because she frowns.

Rayna’s going on tour, too, to support Scarlett, but mainly to have sexy time with Toby Keith… I mean, Luke Wheeler. Tandy sees her suitcase packed with lingerie and is like, “Girl, I want details,” and also “LOL.” But before Rayna can leave, cops bust into her house with a court order and force her to hand over the masters of the album she made with Liam, because technically they’re Edgehill’s property. She is, understandably, pissed. Skeevy Smiling Record Exec Jeff better watch his back because a pissed off Rayna James is no joke.

Meanwhile, cooing newlywed Teddy tells Peggy he wants to go to her next OB appointment with her. Peggy’s inwardly flipping out because she conveniently forgot to tell her husband that she miscarried their baby before they were married. AWKWARD.

Scarlett is so nervous to sing before a stadium full of people, and I am so confused because she has very un-Scarlett looking brand-new pink tips in her hair. She goes onstage, can’t hear her backing music through her earphones, sings off-key and everyone starts to boo (and throw popcorn!). It’s heartbreaking. Deacon is there, too, and he’s angry on her behalf. Rayna is concerned, so she goes onstage with Scarlett and basically shuts the booing down, which is nice but also kind of makes Scarlett look like a kindergartner that can’t find her classroom.

Oh, no. Scarlett has a breakdown after performing, and not even puppy dog Uncle Deacon can make it better. Of course Rayna does the cool surrogate mom thing and reassures her, then they talk some good smack about Corporate Pruneface Record Exec Jeff. Rayna confronts Jeff about his continued nastiness, and he basically admits all he cares about is money, which DUH. Then he shows Rayna mock-up cover art where she has wings made of fire. Not even Connie Britton’s amazing mermaid hair could make that ish look good.

Back to our subplots: Avery and Juliette have friend bonding time and write a new song. They say nice stuff to each other about people using them for sex, and it’s actually pretty cute. Peggy decides she’s going to fake a miscarriage using a margarine tub full of pretend blood. I actually thought she was going to try to get pregnant and pass it off as a super duper late baby, so overall I think the fake miscarriage plan is a good decision on her part.

Back at the Luke Wheeler show, Rayna and Deacon have a talk that begins awkwardly in a pleasant way and ends awkwardly in a negative way, because Deacon thinks Rayna is pushing Scarlett too hard. I love this show, but the writers are doing nothing with the chemistry between these two actors, and I think it’s a travesty.

Later, by the hotel pool, Scarlett helps Gunnar write a song, and OMG, they still have chemistry — both of the songwriting and the romantic ilk, at least in my opinion. Speaking of chemistry, Rayna and Luke Wheeler canoodle in bed and overhear Scarlett and Gunnar singing. They wrote a duet! For Rayna and Luke to sing! The next night, Scarlett kills it onstage, although her new song isn’t as good as the ones she’s written with Gunnar.

Rayna and Luke perform the song Gunnar wrote for them, and turns out it’s part of Rayna’s clever plan to get her masters back (perhaps the lace inset pants she wears onstage were also part of the plan). She and Shiny Haired Record Exec Jeff clink glasses — he’ll release the duet as a digital single, she gets her masters back. Boom.

After the show, Scarlett feels like she’s not really cut out to be a country music star, Gunnar’s on top of the world and Rayna and Luke are naked together again. Juliette busts in on Charlie and Olivia having fancy rich people dinner and basically tells them she doesn’t want any part of their fancy rich people sex games. Fair enough!

Then, disarmingly British Charlie Wentworth shows up at Juliette’s door to tell her he’s in love with her and provides yet another opportunity in this episode for Hayden Panettiere to perfect her quizzical, profoundly weirded-out face. Teddy and Peggy cuddle and mourn their fake baby while Scarlett lays forlornly on her hotel bed. Everyone in Nashville is feeling all the feels.

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