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‘Reign,’ ‘Kisses’ Recap: Close Your Eyes and Think of Scotland

Reign, Kisses
The CW

France is a little unclear that the purpose of an alliance is to strengthen the countries involved and not just to have a bunch of pretty Scottish teens around sass up royal parties. At least it seems that way for the top half of tonight’s episode of ‘Reign.’ Queen Mary’s uncle arrives with the news that the English are amassing on the Scottish border, clearly up to no good. So of course a very determined Mary is all “Hey France! Can you help a country out?” but King Henry is all like, “Huh? What? I gotta go over here now.” (Not direct quotes)

The timing seems perfect for the entrance of Tomás, the gorgeous, accented Portuguese Prince ready to sweep and sexy dance Mary off her feet, protecting her country while guaranteeing she’ll always have a dude who “seems nice” (great contribution, Aylee) and looks great on a horse at her side. Because that’s what marriage is all about in the 1500s. Well, the country part anyway. Mary’s not stoked about it, but she has to do what’s right for her country, y’all.

This new potential alliance upsets more then a few hearts around court. One, Greer, who was banking on Tomás to deliver her first kiss. Two, Francis, who redoubles his efforts to convince King Henry that France should send troops to aid their supposedly allied kingdom to the north. When a friendly duel with his father fails, the prince resorts to blackmail in the form of the king’s obvious attraction to Kenna (who delivers the line of the night while making out with said king: “I want to be with you completely…as a women. But as a girl I need more time.” And that IS a direct quote.) King Henry is impressed with this low blow and agrees, finally, to send help to Scotland. Hooray!

But quickly un-hooray as the giddy Francis sends out his half-brother Bash to deliver the news and send the troops. Which is…curious. Are bastard sons of kings just around to run errands? This episode does suggest that the King likes Bash more then Francis, for some reason. Maybe because he isn’t constantly flapping his hands and complaining like the Prince tends to. Or maybe it’s THOSE BLUE EYES! YUM!

Anyway, Bash comes back gashed by the English who are already in France being jerks. Eff. King Henry tells Prince Francis that this happened because he was thinking with his heart and not his head, which is brutal. Also, untrue, as there is more likely a traitor in their midst. Boy, that King Henry can be more of a bastard then Bash. GET BETTER SOON BASH!

Mary tries to console her fiancé only to be taken aback by HER first kiss and the devastating opinion that an alliance with Portugal may be her only hope. Tomás says he will make her happy and the two watch a hilariously small rowboat head out to a ship, which will carry solders to Scotland, unfurling a dragon banner as it goes. Which is only worth mentioning because Nostradamus, aka a big party downer, had a vision of dragons fighting lions on a field of poppies. Looks like that bearded guy knows what he’s talking about.

And don’t worry; Greer got a kiss from Leith, the adorable kitchen server. We’ll see what following her heart gets her.

Totally, unrelated: I AM LIVING FOR MARY’S BLACK AND GOLD PARTY DRESS! A High collar, a full tulle skirt, and matching arm warmers? LIVING FOR IT.

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