'Scream Queens' Recap: Beware Young Girls

Scream Queens has returned to us, after a World Series pre-emption. Let the stabbin' begin! WARNING: Scream Queens spoilers ahead.

We open with a classic, delusional Chanel V.O. “I think I’ve figured out what my problem is. I’m way too nice.” Chanel No. 2’s (aka Ariana Grande) horrible parents have learned she was killed-while-Tweeting, and went on a cruise to celebrate because this show’s humor is darker than a tar pit. Chanel’s in her funeral finery, and No. 2’s equally-glam in her pink coffin.

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The Chanels pay their final respects — “it’s too bad you had to die…before we found out what ethnicity you are,” No. 3 muses —and Chanel proceeds to give the worst eulogy ever. Detailing No. 2's backstabbing, “high-ponied wiles” and her habit of helping Chanel down stairs with a shove, she proclaims, “this is what happens when you bump uglies with my man — you end up dead.” Take notice, Hester. And No. 3, No. 5, Dean Munsch, Security Guard Denise and basically everyone.

Later, No. 3, No. 5 and Hester find Chanel drowning her sorrows in low-calorie cookies. No. 3 suggests a séance which, yes please. They contact No. 2 through a particularly rustic Ouija board, and the dead sister tells them “Chad is cheating on you.” Chanel doesn’t love this (clearly true) info.

Meanwhile, Gigi’s skillfully chopping veggies when one of her henchmen rings her up. “I told you to get rid of him. We are NOT kidnappers! We are murderers, hell-bent on revenge!” She’s talking to Boone, right? Grace’s dad Wes comes over for dinner, so she hangs up after one more command to double down on the killing.

Later, Grace takes Gigi shopping for some non stuck-in-the-90s clothes, because her dad “deserves a girl who doesn’t dress like Brenda Walsh.” Gigi feeds Grace some intel about an estranged Kappa sister named Feather McCarthy, who was allegedly involved in shady biz with Dean Munsch.

Feather McCarthy’s played by Rookie founder and celebrity teen Tavi Gevinson! Great pixie cut, Feather-Tavi. She tells Pete and Grace that whatever it is, Dean Munsch did it — and she knows firsthand from what happened when the Dean uncovered her affair with Mr. Munsch, who was her “Beatles 101 professor.” The Dean didn't take it well.

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The Dean starts hilariously dressing just like Feather, then gets Feather kicked out of school, THEN drops a transistor radio into Feather’s bath when she moves in with Mr. Munsch. Feather says she’ll go on record as an anti-Dean source…and returns home to find Mr. Munsch’s body parts everywhere.

Dickie Dollar Scholar House. Chanel interrupts Chad romancing a goat, and she's furious. He says he’s just in it for the lactose-free milk, and Chanel damns No. 2's spirit for psyching her out again. “Dead people are super-pissed that they’re dead, so they’re coming from a place of anger,” Chad assures her.

Dean Munsch and the clueless detective she’s evidently banging are hanging out in her office. He’s like “Mmmyeah, you probably killed your ex-husband and everyone else too,” and she's carted off in a straightjacket. Feather glares in the distance.

Pete and Grace are quite pleased with themselves, thinking they’ve solved this thing. Well, most of it. Pete puts on his best Matthew McConaughey voice, which leads to celebratory Frenching. They’re interrupted by a call from Dean Munsch beckoning them to the mental hospital...

...Which the Dean tells them she loves, because she gets to paint and gobble delicious pills all day. Still, she insists Feather is behind everything, and if they help her prove it she’ll “quid pro quo, Clarice” and give them info about the 1995 Bathtub Baby. This scene has been your weekly reminder that Jamie Lee Curtis is the absolute best. Oh, and on the way out another patient gives Grace and Pete a perfect oil painting of the two of them: “I paint them all.”

Back at KKT house, Pete and Grace pore over crime scene photos the terrible detective let Pete have. They learn that Mr. Munsch’s killer made a bologna sandwich, which the Dean couldn’t have done because she just told a nurse she can’t have lunchmeats! She probably said that to fool them, but okay.

The Chanels are having another séance. These girls are addicted to necromancy. Chanel No. 2’s spirit can answer questions that no one could guess, and then she says Chanel is the (well, “a”) Red Devil. Hester takes No. 3 and No. 5 into the bathroom, says the only solution is to kill Chanel, and serves one of her best psycho-faces yet.

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The three decided they'll do the deed that night. Chanel's in bed, and she gets a dream-visit...from Chanel No. 2! No. 2 says she's in hell. Hell sucks — there's waterslides full of razor blades, and NO dinosaurs at all — so she asked Heaven how to get out, and Carl Sagan (heh) told her an apology would help. She also warns Chanel about the impending plot to kill her.

Grace and Pete have exonerated the Dean with evidence that lands Feather McCarthy in jail. Dean Munsch shows them Feather's alleged website, ilovebalogna.org. Case closed, except not at all.

Chanel tells her cronies she's hip to their murder plot, and gives them Nancy Drew props so they can catch the real killers...Grace and Zayday. Huh?

We close with Dean Munsch enjoying a drink, a song, and a voice-over. Ryan Murphy's clearly reinforcing the cross-generational parallels between Chanel and the Dean, and it's great. Oh yeah, and she TOTALLY murdered her husband, and has been setting Feather up forever. Daaaaaamn!

Order of Suspicion, From Highest to Lowest: