‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Ghost Stories

It’s is the fourth-to-last episode, you guys. With precious little Scream Queens time left, at least a few more major characters are about to get bumped off by the Red Devil (or Dean Munsch, or Chanel. Everyone’s deadly up in here). Who will be next?

WARNING: Scream Queens spoilers ahead.

Wallace campus. Boone’s hanging around, passing as I’m Still Here-era Joaquin Phoenix in his beard and wig (still such a random, dated reference) and talking to Red Devil #2 on the phone about how they’re gonna kill their foster mom Gigi. “This has always been about you and me. Have you talked to Zayday lately? How is she?” Wait, why is he asking about Zayday? Chanel No. 3 runs into Boone and immediately assumes he’s a ghost back for revenge. “Please don’t kill me," she begs. "I’m sorta gay now too.”

Kappa House. Chanel’s telling the Chanels they shouldn’t mope around the place, even though six people have been murdered there in the past month. She’s dressed as Sacajawea, because she doesn’t know her famous Native Americans and thinks that’s who invented cranberry sauce or something. She tells them via flashback that Chad’s taking her home to the Radwell family compound— practically a pre-engagement! She says now that she's finally popular enough to marry up, her Kappa work is done.

Zayday and Grace are in their room. Did Earl Grey buy Zayday that hideous golf cap? Grace tells Zayday her dumb plan of staying on campus alone for a couple days to sleuth around, so Zayday invites her to Thanksgiving in Oakland instead. Buddy bondiiing! “I’m so glad neither of us have been killed.” Way to jinx yourself, GRACE.

Security Guard Denise is making the Chanels wrap all their clothes in bubble wrap, and manually popping the bubbles because it’s fun. A rattled No. 3 snaps: “I saw the ghost of Dead Gay Boone!” Denise tells gathers everyone around the fire for some ghost stories to distract them from their very real murder-related problems. Wait, what?

Denise settles on one about the “Kappa,” some sort of J-Horror creature who “snatches you by the vagina” when you sit on the toilet. I’m so glad I never heard that story as a kid, I would've had constant UTIs. After another creepy tale, everyone scatters except for morbid-ass Hester.

Dickie Dollar Scholars house. Boone surprises Chad, and fully rolls with the whole “ghost” thing, which Chad buys because he is very stupid. Turns out he’s the Red Devil who’s obsessed with Zay — he asks to borrow Chad’s “date shirt” to romance her. Chad reminds Boone he was a super gay living person, so this is very confusing for all of us. Also, I'd like Chad and Boone to get a spinoff show please.

Security Guard Denise goes to the Kappa bathroom…to find she’s stuck in her own Matrix-y ghost story, torn between two toilet rolls.

After a scuffle in which she briefly gives the Red Devil a swirly, she runs to tell the Chanels they need to calm her with another ghost story. Hester obliges with the classic “killer in the backseat” yarn. Lea Michele looks very Pleasantville in her dramatization, very Sin City. Chanel No. 5 has had enough, saying she's going to leave campus NOW.

Earl Grey and Zayday are making out for the first time (really?) and Earl wants to runs back home for his candles “sensual oils.” As soon as he leaves, Boone appears in the window to romance Zay in Chad’s date shirt, which he tells her is made of "boyfriend material." Zing! Zay doesn’t believe in ghosts, nor does Grace who runs in, and once they spot the fork mark in his hand they know he’s the one who kidnapped Zay. They sort of accidentally push him out the window (like ya do) and, of course, he vanishes.

Red Devil Boone stabs a returning Earl Grey, revealing his identity just as Earl drops his romance basket and dies. Meanwhile, Chanel No. 5 drives off campus and a truck starts honking to warn her. Her real life scary story ends with a slayed trucker and she U-turns back to Wallace, playing into the Red Devils’ hands.

Meanwhile, Hester visits Chad in bedazzled neck brace, to ask why she’s not invited home to meet his family. He rattles a few reasons: Not rich, neck brace, tastes like a burger (is that a Wet Hot American Summer reference?!). She doesn’t take it well.

Kappa House. Grace comforts Zayday over Earl Grey’s death, and Hester returns to tell Chanel another ghost story: It’s about a girl in a neck brace who’s pregnant with Chad’s baby. Except she is crazy, so maybe don’t believe her?

Chanel confronts Chad, who seems bummed but resigned to the fact that he evidently needs to wife up Hester. Chanel’s reaction is enough to prompt Chad to ask if she’s the killer. “I guess we’ll see.” A killer yes, but a Red Devil? Hmm.

Chanel tells No. 3 and No. 5 that they need to help her “get rid of” Hester, and yes that means kill her. Sidebar, I want No. 3’s ice cream necklace real bad [RIP, soft serve mascot guy who was killed in an earlier episode].

Useless Detective comes to Kappa with a sketch artist, asking for a description of Boone. “You have like 50 pictures of him!” The detective then gets somehow dumber, saying he’s also brought a paranormal investigator since he’s convinced the Red Devil is a ghost. The girls tell the Dean she needs to boot the detective ASAP, which Munsch finally does. She finds Grace and Zayday and tells them three things we already knew: There's two Bathtub Babies, the boy one is Boone, and the only nice sorority girl (aka Gigi) raised him and his sister. Grace and Zayday vow to find Boone.

Classy hotel room. Boone’s telling Red Devil #2 that he’s worried Zayday doesn’t like him (she doesn't). Gigi enters to chastise Boone over his numerous fails, but he won't hear it: He didn't pretend to be gay(?!?!?!), menace Gigi with a chainsaw to shift suspicion off of her and spend four years learning how to fake his death for nothing. Red Devil #2 comes up behind him and for a second it seems she'll off Gigi per Boone's plan — except, SADLY, he stabs Boone in the heart instead. You da best, Nick Jonas.

Kappa House. The Chanels tell Hester they’re totally cool with her Chad-baby, and offer her sushi, unpasteurized cheese and some classic “tobacco champagne”...which she accepts and thus, her pregnancy ruse is ruined. Hester storms out with a shriek and Chanel beckons her back to the top of the stairs — before giving her a deadly shove! Guess she just created her own urban legend.

Which Kappa sister could have escaped the house long enough to meet with Boone and Gigi? Or is Red Devil #2 another "dead" character, OR someone we haven't met yet (unlikely)? Share your theories in the comments.

Order of Suspicion, From Highest to Lowest:
Gigi
Boone
Chanel
Zayday
Grace
Dean Munsch
Pete
Grace’s dad, Wes
Chanel No. 5
Chad
Hester
Denise
Chanel No. 3
Feather McCarthy

Songs:
Roy Brown, "Butcher Pete"
Jane Child, “Don’t Want to Fall In Love”
The Go-Go’s, “This Town”

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