‘Scream Queens’ Recap: ‘Pumpkin Patch’
It’s another Halloween episode, which is great. Here’s hoping every episode is a Halloween episode — it just feels right, since Jamie Lee Curtis is here and all. Let’s get started!
The Chanels are planning their Black Hairy Tongue Disease fundraiser at the Kappa House. Cliff Wu, Ultimate Party Planner, has arranged an incredible scale model of the party, featuring tiny Chanels and a corn maze. Cliff tells Chanel that an actual recreation of the hedge maze from The Shining would've been way too expensive with the fake snow and everything, but she insists. “I am gross rich, Cliff.”
The Chanels will be dressing as the wives of assassinated Presidents, which is pretty creative. Chanel’s Jackie O, of course, and she tries to make Chanel No. 5 be Mary Todd Lincoln — but she won’t. They have (another) argument, and Hester takes Chanel’s side with a gusto that freaks even Chanel out.
Big Kappa House meeting. A mixed bag of Kappas and Dickie Dollar Scholars are there, and Dean Munsch says she’s gathered “everyone” (i.e., the main cast) here who's the most likely to be killed by the Red Devil. The Dean says she’s shutting down campus for Halloween, and everyone goes ballistic. They've got unrealistically elaborate parties to plan! Chad cuts through the melee with a "motivational" speech about slutty costumes and the importance of raging through the fear, and misattributes an FDR quote to "John Kennedy Junior" for good measure. Glenn Powell rivals Nasim Pedrad for most gifted comic actor on this show. Speaking of Nasim, Gigi the Secret Baby and Dolls Hoarder insists they'll just have fun in the house — is she trying to trap everyone inside?
Chanel is writing a STERN letter to the student body. Her outfit is incredible.
Chanel tells the students that the fundraiser is still very much on, and "Chanel Oberlin is above the law." This should work out great!
Meanwhile, Chanel No. 5 is angrily baking “toenail cookies,” and that’s exactly what it sounds like (barf). Hester asks No. 5 why she's punishing sugar-loving kids when she should be directing her anger at the source (Chanel)? No. 5 and Double Agent Hester go see Candle Girl (who's evidently named Jennifer). Jennifer has an enormous, networked “ant community” in her room, literally 8000 ant farms, and she's wearing an ant mask? She just out-weirdo’d Hester, somehow. They recruit her to throw the sorority election, and Jennifer agrees because they show her how wasteful Chanel is with her candles. A plan is hatched, like so many ant eggs.
Class. Chanel’s caught cheating with the Asian guy she hired to help her with math and science tests (a LOT of Asian 'jokes,' huh?) when she’s arrested for the murder of Ms. Bean. She “starts burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst” on The Jinx, and watching her get arrested is deeply satisfying.
Zayday is in the Red Devil’s lair! The Devil has a little white dog like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, which is a nice touch. He opens the hatch door and Zayday screams.
Kappa house, lunchtime. Pete and Grace burst into the dining room to ask the assembled sisters why they're not searching for Zayday, and everyone sort of shrugs. Chanel No. 3 claims they can't anyway, since they're on lockdown. Grace stomps off to look for her dad, Wes...
Who is frenching Gigi! Gigi the Secret "Hag" of the Haunted House. Grace and Pete walks in on them doing it: “We were…we were high fiving.” Grace admirably shakes it off and convinces Wes to go help her look for Zayday.
In jail, Chanel’s already got a crew — because, as we established in last week, she’s the sorority sister Taylor Swift. Sadly, she’s immediately bailed out by Chanel No. 3 and "Predatory Lez" Sam, so we don’t even get to meet fake Laverne Cox!
Dean Munsch and Denise are hanging out in her office. The Dean's spilled about sleeping with a much younger student, and Denise is impressed — and then confesses that she bangs Chad, too. When does Chad find time to sleep? Grace and Pete burst into the office, because that’s their thing now, trailed by Wes and Gigi. Gigi seems especially shady here. Dean Munsch is visibly displeased by Wes and Gigi's couple-y vibe, and maybe by something more SINISTER.
Kappa House. Chanel bursts in on Chanel No. 3 dressed in an identical Jackie O costume, and they have it out (yet again). This show is wall-to-wall campy violence, so can one of them stab the other already?
Meanwhile, the Scooby Gang — Grace and Pete, Gigi and Wes, Denise and the Dean — are examining blueprints, and Gigi offers up way too many details about the haunted house, where she secretly lives. Grace knows Zayday's password ("Oakland nachos") so she logs in to track Zayday's phone.
The Black Tongue Fundraiser set is pretty sick. Great work, Scream Queens production designers! Chanel No. 5 has recruited her frat boy twin boyfriends to help her prep, but they're trying to make her choose between them. The Red Devil shows up snapping gardening shears —for murdering! — and chase the threesome in the fake-snowy maze. The Red Devil slaughters one of the brothers, leaving him in the fake Shining snow.
The Scooby Gang has found the Red Devil’s lair: A cellar rented by a classic dottering old lady who doesn’t ask questions. Armed with tasers, they investigate the space, finding a the hidey-hole (but no Zayday) and a torture chamber. Things get even MORE Silence of the Lambs when the lights go out, and Denise and Gigi are stalked by a Red Devil with night vision goggles. Gigi tases it — but then she conveniently lets him get away. Zayday’s absence just furthers Denise’s theory that she’s the killer.
Chanel's called a sudden vote for the Kappa presidency, despite the fact that Zayday’s missing and the dead twin ruined her Black Hairy Tongue Disease benefit. Zayday shows up, and says the Red Devil just gave her presents (including Kiehls LOTION IN THE BASKET), and let her out for a romantic dinner of Oakland nachos. She stabs him with a fork and gets away, because Zayday is a survivor. "Predatory Lez" Sam asks why she isn’t telling the cops where the house is, and: Great point. Hmm.
In the closing scene, Gigi’s walking alone at night, and the Red Devil’s following her. “You’re late,” she tells him/it, and says, "that got way out of hand. He's got to go." For the love of sparkling glitter pumpkins, who is "he"? New theory: There are possibly *three Red Devils, with 1995 sorority sister Gigi pulling the strings. Boone is Bathtub Baby who she raised in the creepy haunted house, and they've got a third henchman who's in love with Zayday. Thoughts?
Culture Club, “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”
Alannah Myles, “Black Velvet”
The Supremes, “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” (cover)
Order of Suspicion, From Highest to Lowest:
- Dean Munsch
- Chanel No. 5
- Grace’s dad, Wes
- Chanel No. 3
Stars' Dramatic Hair Transformations