‘The Voice’ Season Nine: A Drinking Game to Ensure You Black Out
The Voice just took home an Emmy Award for Choice Reality-Show Competition, and it returned to NBC for its ninth season last night (September 21). These two things indicate that enough people are still, somehow, watching it with rapt attention so as to continually warrant it culturally relevant.
And perhaps that's because it manages to dominate network TV during the blind auditions, taking up four hours of programming for its first few weeks, nine seasons in. Maybe people truly enjoy the banter between the judges. And there's probably at least one person out there who can actually list the names of the show's winners. (Anyone?)
Then there are people who hate-watch The Voice each season: Those who secretly revel in reality competition shows despite their formulaic and predictable nature, people who love to silently judge others for attempting to make their dreams come true with the least amount of work possible, whatever.
To make this season of The Voice a little more fun for everyone involved, we present to you our bona fide drinking game, created with the utmost care and diligence in considering patterns from years past. Imbibe with whatever form of alcohol (or soda!) calls out to you the loudest.
THE VOICE SEASON 9 DRINKING GAME
Drink whenever someone has an elaborate sob story to supplement their subpar vocal performance, and somehow makes it through to the next round.
Drink when any of the coaches turns around prematurely, and the pang of regret shadows their face when said contestant hits numerous bum notes in a row.
Drink whenever a beautiful young woman says this is her "last shot" because, at the age of 25, Hollywood is just about ready to toss her aside like the old, decaying waste of space she is.
Drink whenever a Kia appears onscreen.
Drink every time someone who auditioned for the show before and wasn't chosen comes back to try it again.
Chug when the judges remain firmly planted in their decision to still not turn around and the aforementioned contestant suffers the humiliation of public rejection for a second time. (Bonus: Follow that person on Twitter and try to find a subtweet aimed at Adam Levine.)
Drink whenever someone cries. Drink again whenever you cry.
Drink when someone from a band with actual name-recognition and a built-in fanbase appears as a contestant on the show and makes it to the next round, despite not actually needing this bizarre and obvious boost of fame.
Drink when a contestant makes a transparent switch to another genre to gain notoriety. (Drink again in celebration when that attempt fails.)
Drink whenever professional deflated balloon Carson Daly appears in his ill-fitting pleather jacket.
Drink whenever you feel a pang of sadness for TRL-era Carson Daly.
Drink water whenever someone sings an Adele deep cut.
Drink whenever Blake turns around for a contestant who repurposed a pop song into a garbage acoustic cover, claiming it was a unique and unprecedented experience in music history.
Drink every time Blake mentions winning four past seasons of The Voice, despite the fact that no one remembers the names of any of said winners.
Drink every time Blake jokes about his excessive alcohol consumption.
Drink whenever Blake and Adam Levine engage in some terrible, "no homo"-esque bro humor.
Down an entire bottle of tequila when all four judges turn around, especially when the contestant singing isn't really that good.
Watch the second night of The Voice blind auditions tonight airing at 8 PM ET on NBC.
And remember: Drink responsibly.
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