‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Episode 7 Recap: ‘Flicker’

And now, another installment of American Horror Story: Hotel.

This week's episode is what we call a “filler episode," meaning that we have hit the point during the television season where we have to slow it down a little bit so we don't run out of plot points. This isn’t to say nothing happens, because things do, but this does mean that if you were to skip an episode, it would probably be this one.

There are really only two main characters this episode who have any significant screen time: John Lowe and The Countess — and John Lowe doesn’t even really count. This episode is 85% Lady Gaga, and no part of me is mad at this, because they finally give her room to actually act. (She also is truly great as a 1920s flapper.)

Will Drake pops in for 46 seconds to remind he still owns this hotel. He informs his son he is no longer just strictly dickly and that he intends to marry The Countess, and of course, his son supports Daddy dearest...even though it literally makes no sense. During the renovations on the hotel, the workers have stumbled upon a 1-inch steel room that was never included on any of the floor plans. They cut through to find a room that smells like death, but two workers decide to delve further into the obviously haunted and suspicious space, only to get attacked by two vampire zombies — and now it all clicks into place.

Iris and The Countess stumble upon this room, which takes us back in time to 1925 to when The Countess was just a modest, doe-eyed actress wanting to see her name in lights. She catches the eye of the A-list actor Valentino (no, your eyes are not bugging, Valentino is played by the same actor who played Tristan), and is invited back to his million dollar mansion. The Countess is working under the assumption that he is divorced from his equally famous wife, Natasha, but this is not the case, as Natasha comes downstairs to join the party. Another ménage-a-trois transpires with Gaga being the apple of both their eyes.

Not too much later, The Countess and one of her wannabe star friends attend the grand opening of none other than...the Hotel Cortez! Here, she catches the eye of a young Mr. March and now we start to see the correlation, for it is here that she's informed that Valentino, the man for which her heart beats for, is dead.

In pure dramatic fashion, she goes to jump out a window, but Mr. March saves her. She's mourning the loss of her Americano amore, visiting his grave and leaving a single dramatic red rose every day, clad in black. Natasha finds her at Valentino’s grave one day just to be like 'lol jk Valentino is still alive.'

We learn that during one of his promotional tours, Valentino was essentially stalked by a creepy man in an Indiana Jones hat. This man is the man from whom the immortal blood virus originates. He infected Valentino, so of course he didn’t actually die — he just played dead like a bad episode of Scooby Doo and infected Natasha. And since The Countess is the third piece in this polyamorous triangle, they decide to infect her and run away together. Except there is one hitch to this runaway love: Mr. March has heard all of this.

Right, I forgot to mention that even though The Countess truly loved Valentino, she married Mr. March after his death essentially so she would be rich and loved, as opposed to poor and alone. She never loved him, using his love and money to fill the void left inside of her, but since Mr. March does love her, hearing her plan to escape does not sit well with him.

Turns out Valentino and Natasha are those two vampire zombies, held captive inside a steel prison for all these years by James Patrick March because he clearly has separation issues.

Because they are casual, modern day exes, James Patrick March and The Countess have a standing dinner date once a month, which I guess is the least she can do, considering she screwed him for those dollars. He chooses this time to inform The Countess that he’s kept them inside this hotel, the hotel he built for her, for all these years and she’s been none the wiser, but I mean...payback is a bitch.

And so, Ryan Murphy gives us a quick shot of Valentino and Natasha, no longer decrepit zombie monsters, but the epitome of class and Hollywood beauty, strolling through the lobby to some alt-pop song to convey to the audience that the bitches are back.

Oh, right, John Lowe was in this episode too. He’s the B plot for this week, and since last week he popped off and scared the crap out of Scarlett, he’s decided to take it upon himself to seek medical treatment. He’s not there out of the goodness of his heart, though: he goes because their suspect for the Ten Commandments was committed to the same hospital.

Turns out their suspect is a creepy child (of course) by the name of Wren, who has an odd resemblance to John Lowe’s own daughter, Scarlett. Since she looks like one of the twins from The Shining, it’s left for us to realize that she probably (definitely) has some screws loose.

She aides the still-to-be-shown killer by killing the security guard and promises to take John Lowe to the killer if he springs her from the joint, so he does, because this man is hellbent on figuring out the killer. She speaks in ominous phrases and shady statements and this, coupled with the fact that we never see the killer’s face, is meant to imply what I inferred last week, which is that John Lowe is totally the killer.

She promises to take him to the place where he can find all his answers, which is of course, the Hotel Cortez, and bids a fond adieu to the living world by pulling a Regina George and getstingsmacked by a truck and (assumedly) dying. Thus, we come to this week's end.

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