Scream Queens Recap: Your Turkey’s Cooked
It's a Thanksgiving episode! There's just two eps left — let's get to it. Warning: Scream Queens Spoilers ahead.
Kappa House. Chanel informs Chad that “gravity killed Hester, I just gave her a little push.” Chad’s initially shocked but, of course, wants to have a threesome with the body — except Chanel stashed Hester in the meat locker, where bodies always go missing. Chad tells Chanel that either still-alive Hester or Ghost Hester may be back for revenge soon.
Meanwhile, Gigi’s doing crafts with the surviving Red Devil, who’s giving her the silent treatment after having to murder her brother Boone. Room service arrives with a quail and a whirring electric carving knife. You know, for slashing! Gigi thanks Red Devil for being her only remaining family, since she gave up on hers (hmm). Then she hands Red Devil the knife, though she should definitely know better?
No. 3’s home for the holidays, with her poshest earmuffs on. She walks into her ridiculously well-appointed family home , where her mom ignores her voiced concerns over “the serial killer thing.” Caring wealthy parents don’t exist on Scream Queens; just ice-cold ones. The Swenson fam sit in two rows of lounge chairs with their family’s frozen dinners ready to go — they’re basically the humans in WALL-E.
No.3 takes one look at her defrosted peas and says she’s going “home” to Kappa Murder House. Awesome Heathers-y synth music plays throughout this episode btw, big ups to show composer Mac Quayle.
Upon her return to Kappa (that was quick) No. 3 hears the sound of clanging metal…to find Dean Munsch beheading the turkey she pardoned this year: “It’s more like a stay of execution.” They decide to make Thanksgiving dinner together, which is as cute as it is preposterous.
Grace calls Wes to tell him that she and Zayday scrapped Oakland to join the unlikely family dinner at Kappa — so why doesn’t he join?
Radwell Manor of B-List Stars. Chad Michael Murray! Alan Thicke! Designing Women’s Julia Duffy! Patrick Schwarzenegger! Everyone rises to talk about what they’re thankful for, and naturally it all has to do with how cartoonishly rich they are. Again, rich people on Scream Queens are all ‘80s movie bullies and powdery folks clutching their pearls at the ruffians. Chanel’s “stupid rich” status is called into question. Chad says he’s mostly thankful for surviving the Red Devil, and Bunny Radwell is all, “I’m glad too…glad you’ll live past college to meet different women.” As Chanel charges at her, the butler announces a new dinner guest…Hester! Yesss.
Hester, who Chad introduces as his “sober coach,” tells Chanel that her neckbrace actually saved her life after the stairs tumble. Then she announces her faux pregnancy, which no one buys. The Radwells are a terrible people, but a smart people.
As they prep dinner, Dean Munsch takes everyone to the parlor for a Clue-style whodunit. She accuses No. 3, not because of 3's alleged Manson heritage, but because she saw No. 3 suspiciously running night she was attacked. No. 3 says she was just hurrying back from a big shame-poop in a downstairs bathroom (classic alibi). She adds that it can’t be her anyway, because the killer is clearly Dean Munsch.
Chanel calls her (rich, obviously) mother — this is clearly to confirm that she has a mom, unlike Red Devil. Alan Thicke corners her to ask what “her price” is — we all saw One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars and every soap opera ever, so we know rich dads love to pay Poors to leave their family alone.
Chanel runs off to tell Chad, who’s in the other room showing Hester his family’s gross aspic dessert, and he’s like “cool idea, maybe you should take the cash!”
Kappa House. No. 5 shows up, claiming her family’s in the Maldives….HMM. No. 3 resumes explaining how Munsch has to be the killer since she clearly hates sorority sisters and…No. 3 saw her eating a bologna sandwich!! Her sulfites tolerance means she killed her husband (true). Wes interrupts this very solid theory to say he thinks the killer is…his own daughter.
No. 5 says this would explain Grace’s terrible goody-two-shoes personality, and No. 3 says she could be persuaded. Wes points out Grace’s convenient absence during Deaf Taylor Swift’s death, and the fact that Mandy the 1995 sorority sister was stabbed right after she and Pete visited her. Also notable: Grace visited Wallace U on the same day that Melanie Dorcas was disfigured by spray tan acid…by someone in the Red Devil suit. We get a quick flashback to the Nos. 3 + 5 being bitchy to Grace. Just as the Dean is like “yeah okay, Grace is the Red Devil,” Pete — who’s barged in after reading Zayday’s live tweets of the evening — says WES is the killer.
Radwell Manor Full of Garbage People. Chanel and Hester face off against Chad’s family, preparing to play a game of Pictionary in which CMM/Brad Radwell gets the clue “Neckbrace Whore.” The family shouts insulting clues until Chanel snaps, telling the Radwells off and apologizing to Hester. I like "nice Chanel" best.
Pete explains his Wes-is-the-killer theory: He’d do literally anything to stop Grace from becoming a Kappa, including murder. But his plan to get Wallace U shut down was derailed by Dean’s icy indifference. Then Pete furnishes a 1995 yearbook that shows Fratboy Wes at a rager in the secret Kappa tunnel, proving Wes knows about the tunnel. Pete then says Kappay meat locker security footage shows Wes spray-painted over the camera lens. Wes says he was just stealing meat because he’s on the Paleo diet! It’s working, bruh.
Then Pete drops a bombshell: Through a series of bribes and break-ins, Pete was able to compare Boone’s hair with Wes’ DNA and…Wes IS the father! In a private heart-to-heart, Wes swears he didn’t know, and Grace says she persuaded Pete not to call the cops.
The dysfunctional Kappa fam sits down to dinner, with Zayday lighting candles and Hester bringin’ the knife. Chad busts in to win Chanel back, which takes about two seconds. As No. 3 makes noise about the turkey tray’s lightness I realize, “there’s totally a head in there!” There’s totally a head in there. Bye, Gigi.
A few questions:
Was the silent Red Devil at the beginning really Bathtub Baby-Sister, or did a third person in the suit kill Gigi?
Is No. 3’s family in the Maldives, or is she Boone’s sister?
Chad Michael Murray looks pretty good, right?
Order of Suspicion, From Highest to Lowest:
Chanel No. 5
Chanel No. 3
Grace’s dad, Wes
Alphaville, “Forever Young”
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