'Scream Queens' Recap: Slumber Party Massacre

The promos for this week’s Scream Queens episode touted “the deadliest episode yet,” which, honestly? I was ready for, because the past two episodes have been a tad light on kills. As gorgeous as The Shining maze set piece was last week, the death of Rodger (or was it his twin Dodger?) wasn’t super impactful. I’m ready for some raised stakes, like offing a second-tier cast member or two. On with the recap! WARNING: Scream Queens spoilers ahead.

The Kappa Taus have placed their votes for house president, and it’s a tie! Chanel is humiliated by the prospect of co-leading with a pledge, which the charter dictates in the event of a tie. Also, it should be mentioned here that Chanel is dressed like a clown secretary. Rhode Island is smaller than her ruffled collar.

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Chanel blames her favorite punching bag, No. 5, for her loss, which: ENOUGH ALREADY with these two. But…then it turns out Chanel was faking her hissyfit, and actually wanted Zayday to win? “You never want to be a target in a time of crisis.” Great point, actually. Her (immoral) theory is, when the killer comes for Kappa’s leader, they’ll come for Zayday first.

Chanel hands Zayday the key to their Chamber of Secrets basement, which prompts Zayday to wisely ask what Chanel’s game is.

Later, Grace comes to congratulate Zayday, and brainstorm ways to bring this murder mystery to a head. Zayday proposes a slumber party, because THAT’s never been the setting for a horror movie at all. When they announce this plan, Chanel No. 3 immediately yelps, “Let’s play spin the bottle!” Chanel counter-offers with a truth or dare sesh. “NO, we’re playing spin the bottle.” She is really pushing this thing.

House of Dickie Dollar Scholars and General Douchebaggery. Earl Grey tells Glen there’s a rumor going around that Glen’s sleeping with Dean Munsch AND Security Guard Denise. Yes, aaand yes, he confirms, much to his frat brothers’ disgust. Glen agrees to try sleeping with a girl his own age, namely Chanel. Earl Grey tells them about the Kappa slumber party, and proposes a good ol’ fashioned panty raid. What is this, 1953?

It's spin the bottle o'clock! Hester has to kiss Jennifer the Candle Fetishist: “You taste like wax.” Chanel No. 3 wants to the bottle to land on Sam; it does, and they kiss. She finds Sam afterward, catching her practicing her nonchalant facial expressions: “You do that too?” They're deadpan soul sisters, who are also possibly into each other. No. 3 says they can’t be together, because everyone she loves ends up doomed. She believes this has something to do with being Charles Manson’s daughter and inheriting both his charisma and deadly instincts. I recently learned through this fascinating podcast that Manson wasn’t some master manipulator after all; he just targeted teen girls on LSD and very, very stupid people. I wonder if that would make No. 3 feel better or worse?

Kappa living room. The sisters try the doors, and soon realize their slumber party has became mandatory — someone’s locked them in.

Chanel calls Chad up with a spare satellite phone she's got kicking around. Glen tries to confess to his May-December dalliances to her, but now is NOT the time. Read the room, Chad, these girls are in danger! He climbs up a ladder to rescue her, and spies the Red Devil on the move. The rest of the Dickies scramble up the ladder to safety, except for the brother who lost his arms — and the Red Devil knocks his head right off, as if his ax is a croquet mallet.

Zayday and Grace are ready to play Truth or Dare, heavy on the truths. Glen’s a little touchy because of his dead fraternity brother, who died mere minutes ago. Where is Chanel’s satellite phone right now, and why do these rich, mostly white teenagers hate cops so much? Chanel’s turn is first, and she (of course) targets Chanel No. 5, getting into a weird thing about her vagina having teeth. Then Grace asks “Predatory Lez” Sam what No. 3’s deepest, darkest secret is. She spills, “Her dad is Charles Manson” while No. 3 blurts, “I have weird sexy feelings for Sam.” Betrayed, No. 3 dares Sam to go downstairs to the Chamber of Secrets and take a nap in morbid 1995 bathtub alone. UH OH.

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Sam and No. 3 have words, and then she actually goes down there for some reason. I’d just go hide while everyone’s dancing…to Chumbawumba’s “Tubthumping.” Do you get it???? Sam discovers mysterious blood in the bathtub…right as the Red Devil comes a callin’ a murderin’. The killer unmasks him/herself at Sam’s request, and she whispers, “I knew it!” before she’s suffocated with a plastic bag. RIP Sam, you were one of the nicer people in Kappa house, though that is some very faint praise.

Hester corners Chad in the Kappa kitchen. She tries it, but he calls her a “wake up with my penis in a jar” lunatic, which he finds more scary than hot. Chanel comes to retrieve Chad for some Seven Minutes In Heaven, and they go to take their turn in Chanel’s closet. She makes him promise to be exclusive; he reluctantly agrees.

No. 5 and Rodger are up to make out next, and at the same time a scream rings out. Hester’s found Sam’s body, and Chanel accuses Hester of the murder. Suspicious looks all around.

Rodger’s in the "heaven" closet telling No. 5 about how he doesn’t really miss his twin (see? making characters despicable is the easiest way to render them expendable!) when suddenly, the Red Devil unloads a nail gun into his body. He lets No. 5 live, ostensibly to tell the tale.

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The whole gang gathers to huddle over the third body, and to do a little theorizing. Chad tells everyone there’s two Red Devils (he never told the sisters before? Oy) and then he discovers a trap door leading into tunnels underground, which the two Kappa co-presidents go to explore. Hey, guess what? The tunnels are gorgeous, because Ryan Murphy doesn’t skimp on the set design budget. A Red Devil wielding two axes interrupts Chanel’s tour of Presidential portraits and Zayday gets cornered, but Chanel rescues her. This is clearly isn’t the Red Devil who loves Zayday — so we can assume its the one Gigi was talking to at the end of the last episode?

The sun has finally risen on Kappa house. Dean Munsch and her useless police detective lackey arrive, and the Dean’s pretty unbothered by entire whole massacre. “I mean, what kind of life would that kid have with no arms?” Grace’s dad Wes comes to take her out of the house, but she says she wants to stay. Wait, why, again? Because of the mother she never knew? This place is a death trap. Wes leaves in anger. WHERE HAVE PETE AND GIGI BEEN, HMMM?

Chanels No. 3 and 5 are primping in the bathroom and sharing their very, very mild guilt over their respective love interests’ deaths. They make a pact, by hook or by crook, to survive longer than Chanel. I am cool with this plan, unlikely as it is.

The remaining sisters gather around Chanel, who gifts them all with pink nunchaku — because as of now, they’re all Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cosplayers.

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JK, she wants them to fight the Red Devil, in their normal clothes, without shells or masks or pizza. Zayday says it’s time for a dance party first, and dance they do! Only No. 3 remarks on how patently tone-inappropriate this is after all of the murders.

All in all, "Seven Minutes In Hell" was a solid end point before a short break for the World Series — I hope the next episode keeps up the brisk pace (and the rapidly accumulating body count). See you in a week or two! Until then, catch up with Scream Queens on Hulu, read our previous recaps and share theories in the comments.

Order of Suspicion, From Highest to Lowest: