If you thought exposure to asbestos or UV rays could irreparably damage your kids, see what happens after they're forced to fend for themselves for a week.

Macaulay Culkin, who famously played the abandoned Kevin McCallister in Home Alone (AND HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK) has revisited his role in Jack Dishel's web series DRYVRS...23 years later. Where he once had a sparkle in his eye — enjoyed black-and-white movies, experimenting with after-shave — Kevin's been reduced to a jittery, neurotic Uber driver who can't drive. And one client, who is, himself, forced to drive, gets the whole story of the infamous 1990 desertion, which included multiple home invasion attempts by clumsy, pathetic criminals.

"I still have nightmares about this, like, bald weirdo dude chasing me around, talking like Yosemite Sam," Kevin says in the clip above. "'I'm gonna pull your fingernails out! I'm gonna get you, you little scamp!' They don't even curse!"

And evidently — all these years later — Kevin's still a magnet for criminals, and at his client's final destination, he's met by a gun-wielding thief. Thankfully, Kevin's still got real talent for booby traps, and fashions a wire coat hanger into a lava-hot branding iron that neutralizes the bad guy. Then, a ubiquitous showdown in the garage once the apprehended villain — wrapped up in Christmas lights — comes to.

"First, I'm gonna take you to the shower, and inspect every body part of yours with actual forceps," he says in a twisted update of his famous mirror monologue. "Including all your major crevices. Including in between your toes, and in your belly button."

And then, darkness...

Check out the clip above, a cautionary tale against leaving your child unattended for, like, an entire week.

See what this collection of child stars looks like now: