Read Every Single Joke About Justin Bieber From His Comedy Central Roast
The Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber finally aired tonight (March 30), after months of buildup. It was, as these roasts usually are, teeming with jokes decidedly un-PC in every form -- from homophobia to racism and sexism, every -ism under the sun and beneath the moon was covered ad nauseam. If you are easily offended, or offended ever, at all, you should probably steer clear of watching this one. It was brutal.
As is typical with most roasts, the comedians (including Kevin Hart, Ludacris, Martha Stewart, Hannibal Burress, Natasha Leggero and more) also took shots at one another. But we were watching for the digs at Justin and decided to compile them into one post for you. Beware, there is some decidedly NSFW-slash-not-safe-for-life language and content so read them at your own risk. We're not kidding -- these jokes are insanely offensive.
Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans. Most of them are either in middle school or standing at least five hundred feet away from one.
He’s a worldwide superstar. There’s even a wax figure of Justin at Madame Tussauds' in London and it’s incredibly lifelike. He’s face down in a wax Usher’s lap. That’s a d---sucking joke, we’re off to a great start.
We’re gonna do what his parents and the legal system should’ve done a long time ago. We’re about to give this boy the ass-whooping that he deserves.
I’m asking you to Beliebe in a man with the voice of Stevie Wonder and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.
Justin Bieber really does have it all, he has a d--- and a p---y. Give them that hermaphrodite twerk.
Unfortunately, Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight -- just because she didn’t want to come, there’s no reason. She didn’t want to be here; I wish there was something better I could tell you, but I can’t.
Selena got word that were rumors of Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner and that shocked me. I was like what the f—? You gonna deal with a Jenner I thought it would be Bruce.
It’s no secret that Justin wants to be black. Justin loves black culture, everyone knows that. I just want you to come to terms w the fact that you’re not gangster. That’s his main problem. You’re not a gangster, accept that. Orlando Bloom took a swing at you, that’s not gangster, Justin. You've got a perfume called Girlfriend, thats not gangster, Justin. You threw eggs at a house — gangsters don’t throw f—ing eggs. Snoop, when’s the last time you threw eggs at somebody’s goddamn house? We don’t do that. Justin sang the n-word on a video in a song that was about killing black people. That’s pretty goddamn gangster, Justin, imma give you that. He did get in a lot of trouble when he got caught saying the n-word on video. That right there? That should make you feel stupid. The reason why I say that is because you know who didn’t get caught, Justin? The billion other white people to say the n-word every goddamn day. I’m talking about you, Martha, I know you say it.
Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual former childhood mistakes. He hasn’t had a sex tape, he hasn’t killed anyone, you haven’t bought a monkey. Oh sh--- you did, you bought a monkey. And you abandoned the monkey in Germany. That was a privileged, Beverly Hills monkey. You showed him your lifestyle and then you dropped him off in Germany? Now that monkey’s turned out in the Goddamn German zoo sucking Rhino d---.
He has over 60 million followers on Twitter, he has 40 million on Grindr, he’s a platinum selling recording artist. Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel and the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher. I don’t like it, but I love him so I can’t tell him. You guys do it.
My cast mate Kate McKinnon does a perfect impression of Justin, right down to the clit.
Justin has a lot of tattoos. You have "patient" tattooed on your neck, and “this doesn’t count” right above his a---hole.
Justin’s f---cked more models than bulimia. He’s the only thing they swallow and don’t throw back up.
Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11 and I always regretted growing up without a dad, until I met your dad, Justin. Now I’m glad mine’s dead.
He may have just turned 21, but Justin will always be a baby to me since babies piss everywhere and never know when to shut the f— up.
Together we dropped a track called “Baby." It’s got over a billion hits on YouTube. That’s because I’m in it. It also has four million dislikes. That’s because he’s in it. It’s like you trying to roll like a gangster but you not tough, Justin. I know you've been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a p---y on the show Ellen tried to eat you. But you’ve became a music icon, like a modern day Michael Jackson. The only difference is as Michael got older, he acted whiter. Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad he actually has seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.
Justin, I feel bad kicking you while you're down, but since you wanna be black, you might as well get used to it, man.
Justin, Europe's a continent.
It seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube. Time flies when you’re a piece of sh---.
Justin’s fans are called Beliebers because these days it’s considered politically incorrect to use the term retards.
Justin, you’ve been on Ellen more than a pussy juice mustache.
Justin was born to a teenage single mom. No wonder he’s got moves, he was in the womb dodging a coat hanger.
Selena Gomez had to f— you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.
Justin you’re so successful, you’re so rich. You’re like our beetles -- not the band, the bugs that live in sh---.
As a police officer of the law, I’m gonna give it to you straight — which I know will be a new experience for you.
What kind of b--- eggs his neighbor's house? You caused $20,000 in damages. Imagine the damage you would’ve caused if you threw like a boy.
What are you doing dropping 75k in a Miami strip club? I heard the DJ played one of your songs and the dancers complained their pu----s were drying up.
As a father of six, you gotta straighten up, son. Last year you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong Un didn’t even score that low and he uses your music to f---ing torture people.
But thanks to that music, Justin is worth over $200 million and, in prison, four packs of Kools.
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf. Why you gotta bring Jesus into your mess? That man has suffered enough.
I just gotta say, Justin Timberlake, I f---ing love you.
This is a terrible idea. You’re about to get f---ed harder than Orlando Bloom f---ed Selena Gomez.
For a guy worth $200 million why do you dress like Sharon Stone in the 90s? You look like Sisqo f---ed Peter Pan and then got cast on Orange is the New Black.
“Baby" is the most hated video online, statistically, and there are also ISIS videos online. That means someone saw a video of a guy screaming "Death to America" and sawing someone’s head off and though nope, still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda in a bowling alley.
You have it all, except for respect, love, friends, good parents and a Grammy.
Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use when he inevitably ends up in prison.
I’ve been in lock up and you wouldn’t last a week so pay attention. The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum. I’ll show you how later, it’s so simple. I’ve found Bubbilicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. You see, when I did my stretch all the hoodrats on my cellblock wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass so I decided some b--- needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull-dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice: You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal, but she’ll have to be someone on your level — someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a playa in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So, Justin, my final piece of advice is: "Call me.”
I’ve never roasted somebody with a bedtime before.
It’s a ballsy move, especially since you haven’t put out an album in three years. If you listen closely you can hear the sound of One Direction f---ing your fans.
A lot of beliebers are upset that Justin's never won a Grammy. Well, there's Martha Stewart, she can be your grammy.
[Chris D’Elia] is Justin Bieber's favorite comedian. Wow, what an endorsement. That’s like being Shaq’s favorite poet.
I feel like I’m roasting you for the entire world tonight. The roast fans really want blood this time, even though most of your fans haven’t even gotten their periods yet. But if you can take a joke, then so can the Beliebers watching tonight. Face it, Biebs, you’ve become a cocky little sh—. You are the King Joffrey of pop.
What’s your rap name, Feminem?
Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?
That’s right -- Selena Gomez used to bang this guy, proving once again that Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.
Now rumors been going around you might have been dating Kendall Jenner. What dating site did you two meet on? OkStupid?
Anyway Biebz, you have such a huge career behind you, but lately a lot of people have been pointing their fingers at you -- and those are just lesbians showing their barber how they want their hair cut.
Even when you went to Anne Frank’s house there were fans waiting for you outside. I wish they were the same people who were waiting for Anne Frank.
If Anne Frank heard your music, she would’ve Ubered to Auschwitz.
We’ve all seen your sexy underwear commercials and don't worry -- you're not the first youngster to have Calvin Klein wedged in your a--hole.
The best part about taking Justin from behind is you can shave half his head and pretend it’s Miley Cyrus.
Justin's ass is like a movie ticket because it was ripped apart by an usher.
You’re young, you’re talented, you're famous, and that can be a lot of pressure. But you're a smart man with a good heart. And I know you’ll never end up like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse: Respected.
Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain't black.
Now Justin, you release so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.
…You bought a monkey. That monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.
When J-Bird got arrested, he had a big smile in his mugshot. Not because he gangsta, but because he knows what goes on in jail.
Now Justin, you so motherf—ing pretty, when the inmates saw your mugshot, they swiped right.
Justin Bieber, DNB — damn near black. We normally hate when white people try to steal our culture and be like us, minus the discrimination, police brutality and the marching and sh—, that was until Justin Bieber came along.
We don’t mind him smoking weed in public, pissing in a mop bucket, drunk driving, living in a mansion while playing loud music and hating the neighbors for not welcoming change. Welcome to the family, my n—-.
They say you roast the ones that you love but I don’t like you at all, man, I’m just here ‘cause it’s a really good opportunity for me.
You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom.
I don’t like your music, man, I’m not a big fan of it. I listened to some of it, I’m not a fan, I don’t like your music. I think it’s bad, man, I don’t like it. I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy
Justin Bieber, you’ve been taking it on the chin tonight, you really have, in fact absolutely abused. And I’m just here to say one thing. You people don't know with the hell you’re talking about. As far as I’m concerned this guy is doing it right. Here's a couple things I know. September 1, 2014 -- Bieber arrested for a collision with a minivan, and then beat up the occupant of the minivan. Nice work!
Oct 18, 2010 -- Bieber accused of assaulting a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena. Kaboom! I wish the kid was a nine-year-old.
March 28, 2013 -- Bieber flies into Munich with pet monkey Mally. He doesn’t have the proper paperwork so he leaves it at a zoo. In Germany. It's a monkey. It’s named Mally. Don’t think twice, you leave it at a German zoo.
March 4, 2014 — two hours late to a concert in Dubai because he refused to stop playing a video game. Say what?
Hocked a loogie at his neighbor when he complained Bieber was driving a hundred miles per hour in his gated community. Eat that, bitch!
July 10, 2013 -- Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket. As he runs off he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton with a bottle of blue liquid and yells, "F--- Bill Clinton!" There’s not a person in this room who hasn’t done that, you hypocritical a--holes.
This kid has spunk, moxie and probably a few other STDs.
I’ve always encouraged people to stay classy and what’s more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather? Would I love to see bibs spending time with Oscar Pistorius? Of course I would, but that day will come.
People refer to Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy but heres' a newsflash gang, he’s a man: A full grown man who works and love and makes things with his hands. A man who sings songs for nine-year-olds and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater.
This guy just continues to impress. Is there anything he can’t do? In fact, I pulled my pants down and took a big creamy sh--- in the green room because I thought to myself, "Thats how the Biebs would do it" — again and again and again.
If anything, Justin Bieber, not only do you need to continue to live your life with the same reckless abandon, I suggest you turn up the heat.
And if you're watching from your monkey cage in Germany, go to bed Mally.
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